


The Umpteenth Child

by Geoduck



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Embarrassment, Gen, Gratuitous Kensuke-bashing, Humor, Kensuke becomes an Eva pilot, One Shot, Pie-fu, Surreal, Zamboni-fu, continuity? I never met her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:01:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26727100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geoduck/pseuds/Geoduck
Summary: There was nothing that Kensuke more ardently wished for than to become an Eva pilot. But as they say, be careful of what you wish for, you just might get it.
Kudos: 3





	The Umpteenth Child

Gendo Ikari sat, his elbows resting on his desk with his fingers intertwined.

"I've received some very intriguing communications," he spoke.

Fuyutsuki raised an eyebrow. "Something new from the old men of SEELE?"

"No. A different source. Apparently there is a new biotechnology available that we should consider acquiring."

"And that would be..."

Gendo handed him a printout.

"`Increase Penis Size Without Surgery'?"

"Exactly. And note the second message regarding various natural medications that aid, ahem, `performance.'"

Fuyutsuki set the papers down and took a deep breath before speaking.

"You're taking these spam emails...seriously?"

"Spam? Impossible. We don't get spam here. Dr. Akagi has informed me that our filters block all such bogus communications."

"I hate to break it to you, commander, but this could not be more obviously spam." Fuyutsuki paged through the small bundle of papers Gendo had handed him. "So is `Make Money in Nigeria NOW: Ask me how' and `Just Because It's The End of the World Doesn't Mean You Can't Get A Good Home Equity Loan'."

"And... `Keele Lorenz Bares All!!!1!'?"

"That's real, I'm afraid."

"Dammit! Summon Dr. Akagi immediately."

* * *

Ritsuko looked haggard. "We've been working around the clock to trace the problem. IP addresses... all bogus. The perpetrator used proxy inside proxy inside proxy. Our top forensics people could not trace any of the emails electronically."

"Then it's hopeless?"

"No, far from it. We found the guy. Kensuke Aida, one of the classmates of the first, second, third, and fourth children. He put his full name and mailing address on every single email for some reason. As if he were daring us to take him in custody."

"Let’s oblige him, then. Bring him to me."

* * *

Kensuke was ill at ease. While he was thrilled that his gambit to visit NERV headquarters worked, he was somewhat leery about the guard pointing a pistol at his crotch.

Gendo flashed his spectacles in greeting. "Ah, Mr. Aida. Welcome. Oh, don't worry about Guido, he's a pacifist who wouldn't hurt a fly. Or maybe it's his identical twin brother, Floyd, who's a gun nut and sadist. I do get those two mixed up sometimes."

Kensuke gulped.

"Now then, to business. It's my understanding that you are responsible for bombarding our computers with unsolicited commercial emails, popularly referred to as 'spam.' Is this correct?"

Kensuke nodded.

"Well then, is there anything you can say in your defense before I have you chopped up and sprinkled into the big tank of Reis? It's almost feeding time."

"Um, there's the fact that if I don't log into the system every three hours, the system is designed to increase the amount of spam sent by two orders of magnitude." Kensuke clenched his face, preparing himself for extreme pain.

Gendo looked at Fuyutsuki. The older man nodded.

"All right then, Aida. If you cut off all the spam immediately, we are prepared to offer you a settlement."

"A settlement?" Kensuke perked up. This was much better than death or emasculation.

"Twenty dollars. Fifty if you give us those pictures of 'Horny Bridge Bunny Sluts' you've been spamming us about."

"Yeah... the thing is... those pictures don't really exist."

"Three dollars, then."

"Um... can I make a counter-proposal?"

Gendo sighed. "FINE. What is it?"

"Make me an Eva pilot."

"What?"

"I wanna be an Eva pilot."

Fuyutsuki tapped on Gendo's shoulder. "Commander. I've got an idea." He spoke quietly to Gendo for a moment, out of Kensuke's earshot. After he was finished, Gendo nodded his assent and turned back to the boy.

"Aida, we've decided to accept your proposal. Welcome to NERV. Due to the fact that all the integers are reserved for other Eva pilots and units, you've been assigned an irrational number. You are to be known as the 'Avogadro's Number child', the designated pilot of 'Eva Unit Pi.' Floyd or Guido, please stand down."

For the first time, Kensuke felt truly elated. Because of that, he did not notice Gendo's evil chortling.

* * *

Kensuke had quite the spring in his step the next morning. "Good morning, Eva pilot third child Shinji! Good morning, Eva pilot fourth child Touji! Isn't it a lovely morning to be an Eva pilot?"

Shinji scratched the back of his neck. "Um... yes?"

"Yes, I think so too. There's just something... Eva pilottish about the day. The type of day that makes a person feel spectacularly good about being an Eva pilot."

Touji closed his eyes and counted to fifty. 'Don't say anything, don't say anything, don't say anything.'

"So, have either of you seen Eva pilot first child Rei or Eva pilot second child Asuka today?"

"No?"

'Come on, guys! Say something about Eva pilots so I can casually mention it in conversation!' Kensuke was nearing explosion.

Shinji sighed and bit the bullet. "So, Kensuke, did anything happ..."

Kensuke's face shone like a very smug lightbulb. "I'M SO VERY GLAD YOU ASKED, FELLOW EVA PILOT! So yesterday..."

Shinji grimaced at Touji as Kensuke continued speaking. "Sorry."

Touji shrugged. "It's fine. It was gonna happen at some point."

* * *

“Captain Katsuragi?” Kensuke called out. Today he was supposed to begin basic training, but something felt wrong.

“What is it, Avogadro’s Number Child?”

“I put the outfit on, like you told me to, but I still don’t think it looks like the uniforms that the others wear."

“I’m sure it’s just your imagination. Come out and let’s have a look.”

With trepidation, Kensuke stepped out of the changing room.

“Hmm… well, the size isn’t a perfect fit, but given the short notice we had to get your equipment together, I think you’ll need to give us a bit of slack.”

“I’m less concerned about the size. My issue is that this doesn’t appear to be a plug suit at all.”

“What are you talking about? It’s the very latest in angel-fighting technology.”

“You say that, but it feels like there’s a whole lot more skin showing than for Shinji’s suit.”

“You’re just being self-conscious. I can barely tell a difference between your suit and his.”

“I’m positive that Shinji’s shoulders aren’t _bare_ in his plugsuit.”

“You probably only saw Shinji’s  _ winter  _ suit. The summer suit is a bit cooler to suit the season.”

“And sure his suit was form-fitting but… this is literally just a leotard and fishnets.”

“To the untrained eye, perhaps. Are the boots to your liking?”

“Frankly, no. I’ve never walked in stiletto heels before, and my feet are in real pain.”

“Glad you like them, let’s get you fitted with your interface headset. This is how…”

“How Eva pilots synchronize with their designated units, right?”

“Yes. Now let’s just put this on.”

“Captain Katsuragi--this doesn’t look like the headset Shinji wears.”

“Of course not. Shinji’s is an older model. This is the latest cutting-edge design.”

“These--these are a pair of bunny ears.”

“I admit there is a small resemblance.”

“Captain? Why am I dressed up as a Playboy bunny?”

"I WON'T HAVE YOU QUESTIONING YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER! WHAT KIND OF SOLDIER ARE YOU ANYWAY? YOU'RE WEARING THE PROUD UNIFORM OF NERV, SO START ACTING LIKE IT! Now let's head over to the training arena."

"Um... okay." Kensuke was cowed by this outburst. "Which way is it?"

"Follow me. But put on your bow tie and fluffy tail, first."

* * *

“This is your Eva.”

“This is a zamboni. It’s clearly and obviously a zamboni.”

“On the contrary, if you’ll look along the side, you’ll see the words ‘Eva Unit Pi’ hastily spray painted on. That’s indisputable evidence that it is indeed an Eva unit.”

“This is not the mission training I was expecting.”

“Shut up and get in the damn zamb… I mean robot.”

* * *

“Right. Let’s get started with your training. Let’s do some basic movement. Move your Eva unit forward.”

From his seat, Kensuke looked at the controls on the dashboard. It looked relatively straightforward. There was a steering wheel, a throttle, a shifting lever. It was a left-hand-drive vehicle, but he had played enough driving games to get the gist. He shifted it out of neutral and the vehicle trundled forward. The throttle was a little tough to control while wearing the red high-heels. Maybe afterwards he can make a special request for flats?

“That’s it. Continue in a straight line. Make a hundred-eighty degree turn clockwise on my mark.”

“Um… Captain? How am I doing?”

“Oh, super. I show you synchronizing at a rate of shinty-six percent.”

“Shinty-six?”

“If you increase your rate by only twentington, you can break the NERV record of frilve hundred and neeb.”

“Are those real numbers?”

“Okay, stage two of training. Evasive action.”

“Evasive action?”

“We’re going to be firing dummy rounds at you. Do your best to evade them.”

“Wait, what kind of dummy rounds? Is this safe?”

"Is anything truly safe in our world?"

"No, seriously, are these lethal rounds you're talking about?"

“Think fast!”

Kensuke instinctively ducked down as he saw the object approaching. It missed his head by centimeters.

“Was that… a pie?”

“Ibuki, Hyuga, Aoba, fire at will.”

Kensuke hunched down as low as he could, as a barrage of pies hit the Eva unit. “Where did they come from?” While he had as of yet avoided a direct hit, several had ricocheted off the front of the vehicle, spattering him with cream.

“Rei, Asuka, hit him from the left flank. Touji, Shinji, from the right.”

“What… what?”

With his relative lack of protection on the sides, Kensuke soon became the unhappy recipient of several direct hits. When one of them knocked his glasses off, there was a loud cheer.

With his vision compromised, Kensuke evaded fewer and fewer shots. He was covered in cream. He wiped the cream (and some tears) from his eyes to see where he was going, only to receive three consecutive faceshots.

They came at such force as to knock him from his control seat.

“I didn’t want it to be like this,” he sobbed as his pie-hurling tormentors celebrated.

Then he looked puzzled for a moment. “Wait a second, why does NERV have an ice rink in the geofront?”

One final pie hit him square on the forehead, and he fell down, senseless.

* * *

Kensuke woke up.

The words "Woke up", of course, rather fail to convey the sheer misery Kensuke felt as he cracked his mucous-crusted eyelids open.

Gradually, the blinding blurs in his field of vision coalesced into actual objects. He recognized these objects. This was home.

Did all of that...really happen?

Kensuke thought back. It's possible that it was all just a vivid dream. Perhaps he just dreamed the cream pies and zamboni and sexual harrassment from Kaworu.

He looked around. There were empty soft drink cans everywhere. "Of course", he said out loud, his voice husky and cracking. "I ate three coconut cream pies, drank six liters of Mountain Dew, and watched the Stanley Cup finals! That would make anyone dream the weirdest crap imaginable! So it WAS just a dream after all."

As Kensuke swept aside the blanket, however, he was stunned by what he saw. A pair of legs in fishnet stockings...a sexy leotard...on HIS body.

He felt something on his head. He reached up a tentative hand. Yep. Bunny ears.

Before he became an incoherent babbling wreck, all he could say was "...or WAS it?"

**Author's Note:**

> Something else I found dipping into the archives. It appears I last worked on it in 2005. It was not quite finished, so I completed it as best I could. Canny readers will notice at least one post-2005 cultural reference.
> 
> I hope you enjoy, and I apologize to all Kensuke fans. I actually really like him myself, but he makes such a hilarious victim.


End file.
